What awe-strikes me in this segment is the headspace. You GET them so right. From stammering hearts and nervousness, the inability to look away from the clock, the way the stain on the ceiling reminds Jack of an otter in those books he used to read to Kim, the way they’re both surveying obsessively, the way Jack knows EXACTLY how Renee will hold herself, knows exactly when it is she arrives n the bar, the way Renee’s prepared herself for two possibilities here, the way she knows if he’s coming he won’t be late. It’s just… I can feel their hearts racing and all the nervous energy and it’s so damn in CHARACTER that it’s like stripping your words off the page and playing for me like video on my computer screen. Amaaaazing.
This chapter is really short. Do you think I can make my review fit into one comment??! We shall see.
Everything about her posture screamed ”Fuck off,” and Jack braced himself against the wave of memory – her expression when he’d pulled up her sleeve to reveal the scar on her wrist, the way he’d wanted to grab that flash of vulnerability, hold it tight so she couldn’t shut him out again. -- Did you add that? I LOVE IT! “grab the flash of vulnerability” OMG. That’s like, insanely good. And it perfectly describes his expression in that scene.
Sidenote: I love how you work in memories from canon to write this story. Like that was a perfect example. But italicized memories really are adding so much to the way this fic carries itself so credibly and to the headspace I was talking about.
The way her eyes never stopped moving, sweeping the room, fight-or-flight at full throttle. The set of her jaw, so different than when she had her guard down, when she trusted, when her face relaxed into that smile he’d replayed so often there were scorch marks on his neural pathways. -- God, this part makes my heart all melty. He knows all of her mannerisms and just loves and understands them and you did it AGAIN. You’re like the master of show don’t tell. I think you should be writing original fiction and selling it because you would make a lot of money. NOT THAT YOU SHOULDN’T CONTINUE TO WRITE AMAZING FANFICTION, TOO.
Renee could hear her pulse in her ears. I can’t describe my love for that. I wish I’d written that. Because I know exactly how that feels. That’s gonna be one of those lines I have to make sure not to steal.
The zoo metaphor to describe how she feels about being out in this world is just perfect. I like that WP for her is totally “captivity”. And how anywhere where she can’t be herself/save people/contribute to the world is synonymous to her with being behind bars. And that whole paragraph lends itself so well to the fifth chapter fight with Jack and… well how you have her in the epilogue. It just…sets that all up so nicely, where she’s coming from, what her basic NEEDS are in this world and how WP doesn’t fulfill them. Nope.
It's cool watching her put it together. This strange man, the fact that Jack’s not here, that he SENT someone. Finally, the fact that he must be in the vicinity, watching her. It’s just so deductive and her in this insanely cool way because the reader figures this all out with her. I mean we know Jack is watching already, but it’s this victory for your audience to read her concluding this. It’s like a giant “YES!! OMG YES!" The anticipation just …builds.
That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about/compliment you on throughout this chapter. The way it builds. All of the anxiety, longing, angst, backsnappiness just bubbles to the surface and like… it’s so WELL DONE because in the next chapter you just get to watch it as it releases. I’m just…addicted to this story.
She didn’t bother to pick up the white square cocktail napkin, but she did study the indentations stamped in a neat pattern around the edge, trying to triage this onslaught of information and figure out what to do. -- I have to think of better ways to propose to your writing so that your writing will say “YES! I will marry you.”
TBC (I ALMOST made it into one comment, but I didn't.)
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2011-10-10 05:31 pm (UTC)This chapter is really short. Do you think I can make my review fit into one comment??! We shall see.
Everything about her posture screamed ”Fuck off,” and Jack braced himself against the wave of memory – her expression when he’d pulled up her sleeve to reveal the scar on her wrist, the way he’d wanted to grab that flash of vulnerability, hold it tight so she couldn’t shut him out again. -- Did you add that? I LOVE IT! “grab the flash of vulnerability” OMG. That’s like, insanely good. And it perfectly describes his expression in that scene.
Sidenote: I love how you work in memories from canon to write this story. Like that was a perfect example. But italicized memories really are adding so much to the way this fic carries itself so credibly and to the headspace I was talking about.
The way her eyes never stopped moving, sweeping the room, fight-or-flight at full throttle. The set of her jaw, so different than when she had her guard down, when she trusted, when her face relaxed into that smile he’d replayed so often there were scorch marks on his neural pathways. -- God, this part makes my heart all melty. He knows all of her mannerisms and just loves and understands them and you did it AGAIN. You’re like the master of show don’t tell. I think you should be writing original fiction and selling it because you would make a lot of money. NOT THAT YOU SHOULDN’T CONTINUE TO WRITE AMAZING FANFICTION, TOO.
Renee could hear her pulse in her ears. I can’t describe my love for that. I wish I’d written that. Because I know exactly how that feels. That’s gonna be one of those lines I have to make sure not to steal.
The zoo metaphor to describe how she feels about being out in this world is just perfect. I like that WP for her is totally “captivity”. And how anywhere where she can’t be herself/save people/contribute to the world is synonymous to her with being behind bars. And that whole paragraph lends itself so well to the fifth chapter fight with Jack and… well how you have her in the epilogue. It just…sets that all up so nicely, where she’s coming from, what her basic NEEDS are in this world and how WP doesn’t fulfill them. Nope.
It's cool watching her put it together. This strange man, the fact that Jack’s not here, that he SENT someone. Finally, the fact that he must be in the vicinity, watching her. It’s just so deductive and her in this insanely cool way because the reader figures this all out with her. I mean we know Jack is watching already, but it’s this victory for your audience to read her concluding this. It’s like a giant “YES!! OMG YES!" The anticipation just …builds.
That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about/compliment you on throughout this chapter. The way it builds. All of the anxiety, longing, angst, backsnappiness just bubbles to the surface and like… it’s so WELL DONE because in the next chapter you just get to watch it as it releases. I’m just…addicted to this story.
She didn’t bother to pick up the white square cocktail napkin, but she did study the indentations stamped in a neat pattern around the edge, trying to triage this onslaught of information and figure out what to do. -- I have to think of better ways to propose to your writing so that your writing will say “YES! I will marry you.”
TBC (I ALMOST made it into one comment, but I didn't.)