Fic: yes the heart should always go one step too far

[leigh57]

title: yes the heart should always go one step too far
word count: 499
disclaimer: By now, you guys all know that my mind on Jack and Renee is the poor egg on drugs (work with me). 'Nuf said.
warnings: show spoilers, references to suicidal thoughts and self-harm

This is for you, ws_scribe, with Christmas love and wishes for deployment that's as good as it can be during the holidays. For the complete list of prompts, you can click here.

Title is from 'Go Places,' by The New Pornographers.

*******

The hard part, it turns out, isn’t wanting not to die.

It’s wanting to live.

She does all the 'right' things.

Up and showered by nine (lipstick and mascara even if she's not going anywhere) so she won’t pull the covers over her head and keep hiding, bran flakes with skim milk (on weekends she cheats with Cocoa Puffs, feels decadent), outdoor walks regardless of weather, ten minutes of meditation to soothing new-age music before seven and a half hours of sleep.

A walking checklist of therapist-pleasing perfection.

She’s still stuck in the middle.

She thinks about the song.

Subtracts the "with you" part.

It’s December 17, assault of sparkling red and green when she just wants to buy tampons, perky Christmas music blaring from all the directions at once.

She huddles into the corner of her couch (clutch of hot chocolate in her cold hand); the wall behind her vibrates with bizarre hard-rock holiday tunes courtesy of the frat boys next door.

It’s pathetic as fuck and she knows it, but she can’t think of a single reason to smile.

*******

She saved all seven of Jack’s messages, but she’s listened to each one only once.

Now she plays them back in sequence, volume cranked high to drown out AC/DC creating unfortunate slant rhyme.

The first time, each soft syllable felt like stabbing.

Now, all she hears in the low, velvety-carved words is worry.

Concern.

Understanding.

She jams her thumb down on the call button before she can talk herself out of it again.

Edgy and nervous, she jumps at the click that signals connection.

And he doesn’t say, I’ve called you seven times. Why the hell didn’t you pick up? or, That wasn’t quite what I meant by ‘Try and make choices you can live with.’

He says her name.

Renee.

His voice feels like a fresh-from-the-dryer down comforter after you’ve been standing in a blizzard wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

“Hi,” is all she manages.

"I'm so glad you called," he says. But he sounds out of breath and she can tell he's keeping his voice low. There's noise in the background, conversation and the throb of music.

"Are you at Kim's?" she blurts. "We can talk another time."

"I'm in PT. Shit. I can't believe-" He hesitates. She closes her eyes and just listens to him breathe. "Can I call you back in half an hour? Wait, twenty-six minutes."

Then he laughs.

Barely, but the sound is so unfamiliar and lovely that she wants to record it, play it back when it's 3 a.m. and she's about to lose a staring contest with a bottle of Absolut.

"Of course. Take your time."

"Twenty-six minutes," he repeats. "Bye."

The smile she couldn't find before the phone call sneaks up from behind, taps her shoulder.

She glances at her watch.

Twenty-five.

*******


I have been mainlining Mary Chapin Carpenter's "Hot Buttered Rum" for a day now. If you are at all into music that sounds like poetry, I recommend it highly. *swoons*

And as always, entirely non fic-related comments/observations/randomness are welcome in this entry. Bring it on!

Comments

[lauridsen09.livejournal.com]

I miss your old layout.

Also, hi. *waves*

I feel like we need to set up a prayer circle or burn some incense something so LJ will get its life together.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

I miss my old layout too, like . . . in a really ridiculous way. I'm not lying when I say that really, I changed it only to give myself something to look forward to when my favorite season is over. I LOVE THAT LAYOUT SO MUCH. Also, giggling that in two of the three comments here, it's like, "Where is your old layout?"

Hi! *waves back*

Oh LJ. The thing that makes me so sad is that I know their tech people work their butts off. It's just all the assholes in the world who have this relentless desire to screw it up. Meh.

[lauridsen09.livejournal.com]

Oh, I agree. I feel badly for the LJ tech peeps for sure, it's just been so much downtime the past few months.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder if it's just me who's like, "Wait, is it actually going down every couple days?" I do feel as if the outages are generally becoming shorter. *knocks so much wood*

But yeah, it's frustrating, especially when you're super OCD like me and hate having stuff in your inbox to which you haven't replied. I'm like, DUDE, I JUST NEED TO COMMENT RESPOND. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? /freak

[sparkles-mouse.livejournal.com]

I'm supposed to be researching for 100 words but this seems better. And I don't work so yeah.

A walking checklist of therapist-pleasing perfection. - I love this line.

It’s pathetic as fuck and she knows it, but she can’t think of a single reason to smile.- Renee-Nay!!! Someone needs a unicorn this Christmas!

His voice feels like a fresh-from-the-dryer down comforter after you’ve been standing in a blizzard wearing shorts and a t-shirt. - I have so much love for this sentence I can't stand it.

Mmmm Jack. Sometimes you get me addicted to things I never asked for. Love you.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Nay-Nay totally needs a unicorn! I get guilty for writing her like this every now and then, like I'm betraying my inner feminist, but 1) I love her so hard it doesn't matter how she is and 2) it's canon, so whatever.

And aw, thanks so much for commenting on specific stuff you like. I know I'm sacrificing quality for quantity when I try to post this much stuff so quickly (and I also know I'll eventually fall behind), but anyway. It is what it is!

I'm so proud when I get you addicted to things you didn't ask for;) Love you, too.

[sparkles-mouse.livejournal.com]

You should be proud. Also, one of my clients looks so much like Annie. It freaks me out.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Which client? I mean would I know this person at all? There's a girl at the high school here who looks exactly like Anna Torv's teenage sister. It's so damn freaky.

[ws-scribe.livejournal.com]

OMG! I loved this!

I'm sitting in the self-help laundry place (because, apparently, I can't walk and drink coffee at the same time - all over my sweatshirt) and I was trolling LJ for suitable distractions and I find...THIS! This absolutely PERFECT portrayal of Renee. And Jack. Just...I can't even.

And he doesn’t say, I’ve called you seven times. Why the hell didn’t you pick up? or, That wasn’t quite what I meant by ‘Try and make choices you can live with.’

He's just so damn happy she called. And of course, she calls him during the ONE thing he can't really postpone. But he makes her smile and that's what she's been waiting for.

God. Just...you kill me!

And look at that, on Dec 2. You're amazing! Oh, and since I've been SO disconnected from LJ...can I just say that I love your Xmas layout, but I can't wait til you put up the old one. Cuz, that. That is pure Jack/Renee love and devotion.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Yay that you loved it! I know it's super short, but a lot of these are going to have to be if I plan to keep up. I keep having this inner debate. Like, just screw it and keep messing with them forever, finishing all the fic in September, or to some degree attempt to keep up and realize that it won't all be my best work. I may change my mind anytime. LOL.

I'm so glad this made you happy though, because it's for you and you're all away and deployed over the holidays, so if fic cheers you up, I want to do what I can to provide.

See above comment about the layout. I miss it like a cut-off limb, to be honest. It's like, fannish me, IN A GRAPHIC:)

[ws-scribe.livejournal.com]

I keep having this inner debate. Like, just screw it and keep messing with them forever, finishing all the fic in September, or to some degree attempt to keep up and realize that it won't all be my best work.

Agreed. But, if you feel the need to write superbly and want to bestow that on someone...I'm just sayin.

Any and all fic from you, ANYTIME, is a treat. But over here, in the land of dust, dirt, and everything tan...this added a touch of home. THANK YOU!

[ws-scribe.livejournal.com]

Also, totally unrelated.

I just started S7. It makes me all squeaky and excited...but you're the only one who gets that. Well, you and adrenalin211.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

GAH, I get it so insanely, which you know. I can never figure out which season is my favorite. I'm supposed to say S7 because it's perfect. And it is perfect. But there's no kissing and tear rubbing and tucking of hair behind the ear and "I meant it like it sounded" and GAH. LOL. I make me laugh. But S7 is so freakin' fantastic. Enjoy:)

And if my fics can add a touch of home, well that just makes me smile. We'll see how I do! I'm just happy that everybody didn't go, "God you suck!" My brain can be so all over the place when it comes to writing.

[marinw.livejournal.com]

His voice feels like a fresh-from-the-dryer down comforter after you’ve been standing in a blizzard wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

*Thud*

I am loving these AU's where Renee answers the phone! This means that Day 8 happens differently? Please?

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Thanks! See, I'd have a good answer for you about Day 8 but here is the thing. Ever since they killed Renee in canon, I have legit like 12 different AUs that exist in my head. It's quite hilarious. So probably for most of the Christmas fic I won't even bother to specify when it's set or what's different. I just go for it and hope everybody else is willing to suspend disbelief with me for a few hundred words.

[sardonicynic]

This is —

You know, S, I don't even have adequate words for what this is.

Amazing-gutting-visceral almost says it.

Today, you were so beyond kind to say that some of my stuff is a paragon of economy. (Which, by the way, I am still all a-wibble, I'm not even kidding.) Well, this is that. And yet more. I love each and every word, weighted with impact; every line resonates like a landmine.

As much as I adore every detail you've woven in here, this closes an iron fist around my heart:

She's still stuck in the middle.

Because being caught in that awful fugue, mired in mental and emotional quicksand, is just awful.

Oh, Renee.

And you. Jay-eff-cee.

Lovely and cutting and perfect, through and through.

[adrenalin211.livejournal.com]

Do you know that this comment made my day? Because it's exactly how *I* feel except you put good words to it. So THANK you for that.

Isn't this like... so frakking amazing? I have no idea how you guys both seem to be able to make every WORD pack a punch!

[sardonicynic]

Ahahahaha, but I still feel like I didn't say it as well as it could be said! Or something.

Just.

[ Insert windmilling T-Rex arms here as I laugh! ]

But you know something else? I love that this takes such heavy subject matter and doesn't reduce it to histrionics, which it SO EASILY could be.

But it's not, because it's Shana, and she is so deft and honest here with how this shit works — you keep getting up in the morning, and you shower, and you put on mascara, even if you stay in all damn day — and it's a slow grind to sanity. It's not all crying jags and the rending of garments; it's bran flakes and a trip to the pharmacy because you're out of the good tampons.

So, you know. I appreciate that kind of attention to detail more than words can say.

Yep.

ALL THE HEARTS.

[adrenalin211.livejournal.com]

I love that this takes such heavy subject matter and doesn't reduce it to histrionics

YES!!! See what I mean about how I can't put it into words! Those are the words! Hahaha.

I know, it's like... raw headspace that doesn't sulk or draw attention to itself. It's just so RENEE, and then there's Jack not at all commenting that she didn't call, but that she did and how it makes him glad and all cutely laughing his disbelief away.

Also, I can't believe you MADE that epic cheesecake.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

What it is you say? Flaily T-Rex arms? Well that's what I have reading this comment. Thank you so much. I was saying somewhere else in this thread that sometimes I get ashamed of how much I enjoy writing this version of Renee, because I'm supposed to be a good feminist and let's face it -- they really screwed that pooch.

But gah, there's something about all the brokenness of S8 that just reaches down and grabs my heart and I can't help it even a little.

In any case, I do not have enough thank you for your lovely words:)

AND I GET YOUR ONLY JACK/RENEE ICON. I wish you knew how much that makes me smile. /dorkface

[alwaysashipper.livejournal.com]

This was amazing. I can't even describe it. You have such an incredible way with words, and you're so connected to these characters... It threw me right into it, and very vividly. I'm almost surprised it's sunny outside. :)

So much fail for not finishing What If You Catch Me, Where Would We Land yet. I need a vacation.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Rinat! *glomps and squishes* It makes me all smiley to see you in my LJ this morning! Thank you so much. As I always say, if I manage to do something cool with words for these two, I 100% write it off to bleeding character love on the page and getting lucky.

And stop. You do not fail for not reading that epic . . . WHATEVER. It's a freakin' novel.

You do need a vacation, without a doubt. Whenever it gets cold here, I think of you and how I plan to picspam if we ever get some freakin' snow. I hope you've had a great weekend:)

[siricerasi.livejournal.com]

Gosh, so lovely. Renee I want to give you a huge hug.

A walking checklist of therapist-pleasing perfection.

Just gotta say this made me LOL.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

Renee I want to give you a huge hug.

Yeesh, I always want to give her a hug. When you're on 24, your damn life sucks even before they kill you!

And it's possible that some of my own snark works its way into my Renee characterization, although I feel overall as if it can be supported by canon evidence. Exhibit A:



Thanks so much for reading!

[adrenalin211.livejournal.com]

There are about ten thousand reasons why this is amazing, first of which is the way you manage, even when economizing words and drabbling it up, to include these details that bring color to the picture. We're talking lipstick and bran flakes, cocoa puffs to feel decadent, the gut-wrenching way you state, so frakkin' simply, that it's hardest to want to live. You could have been so goddamn dramatic about it, written a whole story of emo self-pity, but this isn't that story. It's just...there. Like truth italicized.

A walking checklist of therapist-pleasing perfection.---Yes! That is SO Renee, you know? She would do ALL the things herself, and then be like... meh. Well pft. I can just SEE THIS IN MY HEAD.

She thinks about the song.

Subtracts the "with you" part. -- I love this line here. Not just that it's here, but the suggestions of what's not here. How you subtly sneak that in and bring it back later when there's not a single reason to smile. Next step? Call Jack! Duh.

AC/DC creating unfortunate slant rhyme.-- Your details continue to paint the scene and add reality to this whole world in your head. I'm experiencing it all as though I was there, and you make that experience effortless for your reader.

And this whole bit, the way she only ever listened once ((that is so goddamn RENEE) and the words had felt like stabbing and THIS: Now, all she hears in the low, velvety-carved words is worry.

Concern.

Understanding. AUGH. Here is my heart throbbing out.

And another favorite line (OMG I'm gonna quote everything amidst my enthusiasm or something.

And he doesn’t say, I’ve called you seven times. Why the hell didn’t you pick up? or, That wasn’t quite what I meant by ‘Try and make choices you can live with.’

He says her name. YER KILLIN' ME, SMALLS. HE SAYS HER NAME. HER NAME. Goddamn. And then how he's "so glad" she called. SO GLAD. He says SO GLAD. This is so motherfucking perfect.

The smile she couldn't find before the phone call sneaks up from behind, taps her shoulder.

She glances at her watch.

Twenty-five. -- This might possibly be the best drabble ending you have ever composed. There is nothing I do not fall down in flail about.

[leigh57.livejournal.com]

You wrote me a comment that's longer than the story! Goodness.

I'm typing this and glancing up occasionally to watch the .gif above, and what I observe is a thing that will astonish you. I really fucking love Renee.

*pauses while you find the smelling salts to recover from your shocked swoon*

LIKE DUDE. I have ten thousand Jack/Renee prompts at the end of the month and it would make so much more sense to write the one for today about Beverly and Jean-Luc, but I get my brain going and just GUH. Why are they so . . . words I don't know?

ANYWAY. I'm thrilled that my shaky attempts to toss these out there are not total duds. You know that in all twelve gajillion of my happy AUs, they're either together or get there through fun and UST-filled circuitous routes so . . . yeah.

I just hope everyone doesn't die of cheese before Christmas gets here. ♥

[adrenalin211.livejournal.com]

Your little bouncy guy says that he feels "loved". Why does that make my heart all happy? I love it.

You should definitely keep going on this idea though! You can do it drabblistically again. That would be fine by me. Definitely a continuation though. The flist wants what the flist wants, homeskillet.

I am glad you gave me twelve gajillion AUs.